Too much time

Being an unemployed loser has really affected my productivity. You wouldn't really think so, I mean I have all day just me and Charlie. It seems like I would be getting loads done. But instead I lazy around and just watch the clock tick away the day. I know that when I finally do get a job I'll look back on these days and think "OMG why didn't I do this and that when I had so much time". But that's the kicker, I have too much time. It's like I'm stuck in this "Well I have all day" mode, and I am so unmotivated that I barely get up the energy to take a shower. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate it, I feel like shit at the end of each day because of how little I have accomplished. I know the need to be productive is rooted in a completely separate mental problem, but set that aside I need to feel accomplishment to be happy. I need to work. I need a fricken JOB. When I was going to school, working full time, and doing all the normal new mom stuff I was so overwhelmed, but I got things done. It's almost like I need to have no time on my hands in order to be productive. Really, it's not that big of  deal. Just turn the TV off, put the computer down, get up and go outside. But instead I just watch the clock count down the day and I know that this evening I'm going to feel like crap because I am wasting my life away. Maybe that's it. Maybe knowing that these are the best years of my life, knowing that my health and my youth are slowing but surely going to deteriorate, depresses me. I watch these days go by and I get so anxious because I know that I won't always be young and healthy and I freak completely out over what I'm going to have to show for myself during these years. Which of course feeds into the utter guilt over "I didn't get anything done today", which makes me feel even more shitty and then before I know it I'm really depressed and dull. As the day gets later and later I get more and more anxious because I think "OMG it's already 12 what have I done?" and then its "OMG it's 3 pm and I haven't done shit, and now there is not enough time to get anything done". I feel so completely stupid. I mean, seriously, who the hell has a problem with not wanting to do anything? Who out there really has a lot of time on their hands and instead of being freed by it, they feel like a prisoner? I mean come on how retarded is it that I struggle with the desire to be productive, and then feel guilty that I had to struggle in the first place? Wait, I figured it out. It's my mom's fault. My whole life she was a one woman hurricane. She took care of multiple households, worked more than full time at jobs, and still managed to have a huge supper each night and make it to band practice. She's wonder woman, and it's an example I've had my entire life. She is literally a saint, and I know no matter what I do I couldn't even hold a candle to this woman. So that's where the guilt comes from, the fact that my mom is so damn amazing and I just laze around and write a fricken blog. A blog that of course is going to get made fun of. While the world around me buzzes, I just sit and waste.